However, when it comes to a friend, they rely more on their own perspective or assume that they always understand what they are saying because they know the person. While people tend to think they communicate better with close friends than with strangers, an older study found that sociologists believe that closeness can lead to closeness-communication bias – an overestimation of how you communicate.Īs a result, sociologists suggest that people actively pay attention to strangers’ perspectives because they don’t know them well. You think you know what people are thinking To focus on the person when they’re talking, it’s important to get rid of both internal and external distractions. While someone is talking, you might be occupied thinking about what you’re going to cook for dinner or what time the pharmacy or dry cleaner closes. Sometimes instead of listening, we might find our minds wandering to things we need to do later. Loud noises aren’t the only distractions, either. How many of us will turn our heads when we hear a loud noise? If you’re watching an action film with lots of explosions and car chases, it’s pretty hard to carry on a conversation at the same time. So, if someone is talking to you, ask questions and get involved in the conversation.” You’re distractedĭistractions – internal or external – are sometimes hard to ignore. Nichols adds, “One of the reasons people get bored is that they listen without interest and passively. Feeling bored can make it harder to tap into your listening skills. “It might be better if you hear me out and then acknowledge what I’m saying before saying your opinion.” You’re boredĮven if someone is talking about something that feels important to them, it might not be interesting or important to you. “For instance, if I tell you, I wouldn’t get vaccinated because it’s a government hoax, this might make you upset, and you might fire back right away without listening to my entire reasoning,” states Nichols. This can also happen if a person is talking about something you don’t agree with. If you are being criticized, emotions are triggered, and it is natural to get defensive and not listen to what the person is saying. You just want everything to be OKīecause it’s unpleasant to be around someone frustrated or upset, especially if you care about the person, Nichols says you might tend to want to make their pain or frustration go away rather than sit with them in their pain.įor example, if someone tells you they lost a job or were diagnosed with an illness, rather than listening to the details of their situation, he says people tend to say things like, “You’ll get through this” or “Things will look up.” You react emotionally “We know that it’s not OK to say something like, ‘Well, if your dog died, why don’t you go out and get a new one?’ but we get around to that eventually,” says Nichols. In hopes of getting the person to feel better, so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable, you might be inclined to tell them how to solve their unhappiness or tell them not to feel upset. When someone is sharing something that is upsetting or if the person talking is unhappy, it can be uncomfortable to listen to them. “It’s a natural impulse, but it needs to be restrained if someone is talking, and they need to be listened to.” You want to give advice “We frequently interrupt to tell a similar story or say something about our own experience,” Nichols states. When someone is talking, Nichols says, instead of listening, we want to talk about what’s on our mind. Understanding why people don’t listen can help improve your listening skills.
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